Let’s face it: we’ve all been there. It’s Saturday afternoon, we’ve done all the chores we’re going to do, and we have a block of time available to watch the game. What’s the game without a snack? We head into the kitchen and search through the pantry, disappointed by the options. Sure, there’s chips, pretzels, and peanuts, but where are the GAY snacks? None of these poorly-chosen snack foods have a political agenda at all! How can you feel morally superior to everyone else if you’re eating uncontroversial snacks?
Recognizing this dilemma, PepsiCo announced last week that they would be coming out with a new product designed to alleviate this common frustration. Thus we now have Gay Doritos, the perfect option for the politically correct snacker. Okay, they don’t call them Gay Doritos, they call them Rainbow Doritos, but it amounts to the same. These chips – Cool Ranch! – come in all of the colors of the rainbow, promising that you will have a dazzling poop later in the evening.
Oh, what’s that? You, as an adult, like to make healthier choices? Well, lah-de-dah. But fine. You still have to feed the kids, right? Let them take a day off from the celery and hummus and give them some Gay Doritos. Not only will your kids be happier, you’ll be afforded the perfect opportunity to explain to them their sexuality options. After all, you’ll want to get there before the schools do. At the current rate, that means you’ll probably have to start before kindergarten.
Still not excited about Gay Doritos? Well, consider this. These Doritos are the brainchild of prominent homosexual extremist Dan Savage. This is the man who has invited a couple of the Republican presidential candidates to perform a particular act of love on him. Hint: it wasn’t crossing the Texas border. He also encouraged a legion of sophomoric internet trolls to Google-bomb Rick Santorum, linking his name with a disgusting aspect of gay sex. You can exercise your own discretion when it comes to sharing these links with your children.
Savage also has some illuminating thoughts on the subject of abortion. Appearing at an Australian event called The Festival of Dangerous Ideas, Savage said “population control” was the “dangerous idea” with the best potential to help the world. “There’s too many g**damned people on the planet,” he surmised.
Going further, Savage admitted that even though he was pro-choice, he had darker moments where he opposed the sanctity of woman’s body. No, not in the way you think. “I think abortion should be mandatory for about 30 years,” he said.
So let’s get this straight. Americans are furious over a stupid joke “denigrating” nurses on The View, but this guy can propose genocide without significant backlash? Why aren’t groups organizing boycotts of Doritos? Or of ABC, for that matter, which is set to release a sitcom this fall with Savage as executive producer? It’s worse to make a (slightly) derogatory comment about a Miss America contestant than to advocate mandatory abortion? Wonderful.
That’s something else you can explain to your kids while you’re binging on Gay Doritos. Save room for dessert. There’s a platter of Planned Parenthood brownies in the fridge.