Tax Meat, Save the World

You have to hand it to Chatham House. The London-based think tank must have known what they were doing when they timed the release of a new report linking meat consumption with global warming. They knew everyone over in America would be in that post-Thanksgiving lull, sick to death of food and sick especially of turkey sandwiches. If ever there was a time when people would be receptive to a MEAT TAX, now would be the time.

And yes, that’s exactly what they’re proposing.

See, according to Chatham House, world leaders heading to Paris for the big climate summit might as well not even bother if they aren’t going to address the elephant (or perhaps, the cow) in the room. “As governments look for strategies to close the Paris emissions gap quickly and cheaply, dietary change should be high on the list,” said the report’s author, Laura Wellesley.

According to the report, our cultivation of edible animals is responsible for 15 percent of the world’s carbon output. By cutting meat out of our diets, we can shave 2 degrees of the Earth’s temperature by the end of this century.

“Interventions to change the relative prices of foods are likely to be among the most effective in changing consumption patterns,” says the report. To that end, they advocate a carbon tax on all meat products. The hope is that when tofu burgers are cheaper than hamburgers, people will stop consuming the latter.

Thus, world saved!

The only question then becomes: Is a life without steak really worth living?

The report has no opinion on the subject.

But for most of us who embrace our carnivorous lifestyle, it would be better to live in a slightly warmer world with a delicious hamburger on our plates than to live in a cooler world with nothing to eat but Brussels sprouts and kale.

Isn’t it strange how these seemingly separate groups of crazies all tend to be drawn to each others’ weird obsessions? You wouldn’t think, on the surface, there would be any reason for feminists, anti-gun fruitcakes, LGBT warriors, vegetarians, and environmental screwballs to gravitate towards one another. But somehow or another, they find new and inventive ways to connect each bizarre worldview with all of the rest. Apparently, when you abandon common sense, this is all that’s left.

There is hope to be had, though. Because these idiots are so reliably wrong about everything, they make the solutions abundantly clear. Clearly then, the solution to climate change is not to stop eating meat – it’s to eat even more meat. In fact, nothing would better protect the polar bear population than if we decided to start eating them. You don’t see chickens, pigs, and cows on the endangered species lists. If the dodo had been delicious, it would still be around. When humans decide that something is tasty, we make damn sure its populations stay healthy.

Which makes you wonder…is someone out there eating liberals?